“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.” – John Greenleaf Whittier
I find myself reflecting on things from my past. Situations that were out of my control. Things I look back and wish I could have done differently. Most of the time I am content in my solitude; but every now and then I find myself longing for someone – longing for someone special to spend the quiet moments with. Someone to laugh with or to cry with. Someone to share my joy and my pain. That elusive other half of my heart and soul that I wonder if I’ve somehow missed.
I look at those that moved beyond me and find myself simultaneously happy and sad. Happy for their happiness. Sad that I haven’t found that joy in my life. The hardest are those I had a special affinity for and with. Relationships that were close, but that just never developed beyond friendship. They are largely unaware of the pain I experience when I see their smiling faces, the children they have, the things they are doing in their lives. I imagine my features intermixed with the features of those faces I found particularly beautiful and think of them as my own.
Sometimes I wonder why this happiness has eluded me. Is there more I could have done? Is there something I could have done differently to alter the outcome? That is the most difficult thing of all; but just as difficult can be waking up in the morning with a fresh outlook and leaving the past in the past and looking forward to a future that holds not their happiness but my own happiness.
They say things happen for a reason and that God has a plan for me. The problem with performing in a play without having seen the script is that sometimes you are left to stumble in the dark. But then there are the times that you cannot help but have the sense that everything is going precisely as it should be. Whether that is some form of deity saying you’re on the right track, or if the universe has some subtle will of its own that we are meant to fulfil I cannot say. I only know that I have known the darkness and those sudden moments of clarity where things seem to be going exactly right.
Tonight is neither of those extrema, but this is simply a moment to capture these thoughts and to send them out into the vastness of cyberspace, believing that somebody out there can relate and can then know that they we are not as alone as we might feel.